It all started with an ambitious shopping list from a woman looking for a husband that my friend sent me. The single and sought-after woman wanted a man who knew how to cook, earned ten million naira a month and was good in bed, of course. The lucky guy must be handsome, romantic and God-fearing. I replied to my friend that “It's a legit list.” No, “it is illegitimate,” he responded. As? He focused on the “good in bed” part. He insisted that 'good in bed' is relative. I totally disagreed. If a man is not good in bed, he is not good in bed. Even he will know it. A good lover flaunts his exploits with pride. He doesn't leave his wife in doubt. A man once told me that the best way to shut up an angry woman is to thoroughly rape her.
'Wear it as many times as possible. Let her gasp, sweat, and run out of the bedroom. Do it well. I don't understand men who say their wives are angry with them and hold a grudge for weeks. If you make love to her regularly, the matter will be resolved.
That is a man who can give a good account of himself. If he is not good in bed, how will the lady feel the heat? If a man is a lover from time to time or monthly, how can he completely “do” his wife? So, I told my friend, the definition of “good in bed” is clear. At least, if the man doesn't know, his wife will know, and we are the ones who rate men. My friend must have been a little angry.
'Wetin? Shouldn't a woman be good in bed too??? Note the three question marks. Mark of anger, I know.
Okay, both man and woman should be above average and meet halfway in bed.
'We men work too hard on you women'
Imagine! So women don't work hard under men?
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It was then that he launched Apala Maestro, Ayinla Omowura's line.
'Pekele pekele, ise oru kii se ise kekere'
I laughed out loud. Translation: 'The work that men do at night is a lot of work, it is not child's play'
Seriously, men do all the work? No, it's a partnership. It is a joint venture. That's what makes a “night shift” sweet. Sure, in most cases, many nights, the men do the “heavy work,” but my friend insists that it's the hard work that shortens men's lifespans. In other words, sex kills men. Without saying it in so many words, my friend said. “Only men die during sexual relations.” Believe me, I replied.
“Women die in action too”
He replied: “Women die from excitement, not from exhaustion.” Watch me see problems, what's the difference? Both excitement and fatigue can wear you down. Orgasms can make the heart fail and we all have hearts, right?
However, I must grudgingly accept that more men die during and after sex than women. Maybe we'll be more careful and not have sex to impress.
Men should really watch their bad habit of wanting to “try harder” even when their bodies resist. Why should a man die trying to impress a woman? Those who have been reading me know that I do not support men dying on active duty. All intelligent men should serve diligently but leave the arena alive. This way they can serve a little more. It is absolutely unwise to die in the field.
Think about it, if a man who is in the service of three or four women dies in the bed of one of them, how fair is that? What will become of the other parties? Is everyone starting to look for new investors? No, it's not good.
But seriously, no one should die having sex, whether male or female. The reason more men die on active duty is because they don't listen to me. They don't listen to logic. A man's duties outside the bedroom are already many. Taking care of and defending a family is already a lot of work. The hours a man devotes to his careers and business throughout the day are enough to kill a horse. Add that to the number of things you have to worry about. The number of people who expect him to solve their problems. Your life after work hours should be relaxing and enjoyable. There should be no question of overreaching. It shouldn't be about taking blue pills. But who listens to me or follows this sensible advice? Not older men. No, they want to win the sexual championship. They want to impress their sweet sixteen. It's their way of convincing themselves that they are enjoying life. If you ask me, men who are champions of sex confuse me as do those who drink wine or whiskey that is not sweet, beer that smells and looks like urine, and anything that gives them a headache or severe headache the next morning. I will never understand how all that means enjoyment. Lagos people call him “Faaji”. How is pain pleasurable unless some screws are loose or loose in your head or mind?
Enough digression. Let's leave the Faaji men to their enjoyment and their blue pills. I have heard that women do it too, they mix things, take pills, drink herbs to enjoy sex. What is happening here? I also heard that it is not just to satisfy their husbands, but these women practice sex to death. What we cannot ignore is the issue of the “forbidden” apple and dying on active duty. Note that you rarely hear men dying on top of the woman they married, the true owner of the team. Now women are also considering chemicals to satisfy men who are not their husbands. I hope we are all appropriately and appropriately shocked.
Imagine this, a mother of five died somewhere in Ekiti after having sex with her lover. The heartless guy dragged her body towards the mountain and threw her there. Another died and was left to be discovered by hotel housekeeping staff.
Now, I'm not insisting that all sex to death is a consequence of blue pills and sachet concoctions. In fact, I am more concerned about the carelessness and lightness with which we all treat our health in general.
As we advance in years, we should all reduce the number of times we go into battle. A wise warrior knows when to step back and recognize his humanity. No man is cut out or designed to do the things he used to do when he was 30; No, not at 65 years old. If you try, at best you will end up in the intensive care unit. The chances of him ending up in the morgue are quite high.
As for my ladies, stop “going down on me” by letting a man, or worse yet, a little boy, lead you to your death. If you love a particular dish or food, you should not and should not eat it all in one sitting. Eat slowly, in an orderly and pleasant way so that you can eat for a long time. Don't swallow it or you will choke and when you do, there will be no tomorrow.
My boys, my girls, make sure you are in good shape for physical exercise. Check your blood pressure and heart rate before you convince yourself you are safe to have sex. Don't kill yourself trying to prove a silly point to people who will turn to mock you for dying in a woman's secret place.