The Yoruba have this saying:
Oke oku l'oku nre
Baba omo l'o l'omo
Flexible translation: A child will always look for his father because the father is the owner of the child.
Did you nod or sigh? If you are a Yoruba man, you will nod but if you are not a modern man, you will sigh. A mother, old or young, will sigh for different reasons. As a Yoruba mother, I sigh and shake my head. Yes, you can do both, because that old saying is old and quickly losing its grip on current reality.
Both the mother and the father own the child. They made love and had a baby. How the baby becomes the exclusive child of the father is a matter of tradition. It's not a question of DNA. A child can look every inch like his father and still belong to his mother. In fact, exclusively to his mother.
Let's back up a bit and I'll be talking about the Yoruba culture that I understand. See that saying I started with? It is one that sees the importance of fathers and fatherhood in Yoruba society. Once a man has impregnated a woman, he is conferred with the natural title of father. If the woman leaves him or he leaves her, he is still a father. Even if the mother remarries, the child is assumed and expected to return to his father eventually. Especially in moments of celebration of life, such as when you graduate from a trade, school, or get married.
Article page with financial support promotion
The man planted the seed that made the boy grow and deserves the honor of his title. I totally agree. Your position and title should never be in dispute. Let me pause to pray and praise the true honorable men and fathers who through the centuries have carried the title of “father” with dignity and responsibility. Men who didn't think ejaculation was a feat. Men who planted their seeds, watered them and protected their seedlings until they became gigantic iroko trees. They worked then, in the days of our ancestors. They worked themselves to the bone and today they do exhausting and stressful jobs to care for their children.
There are men in their 60s who still keep their jobs because their children have not yet graduated. They retire and then look for other jobs so their children can complete their master's degrees. They ignore their health problems and continue working until they “accompany” their children to the points where they can take care of themselves without fear.”
For these men, I pay so that your remaining years will be filled with great rewards for your work, which you will enjoy with joy and good health. The Almighty God will heal you of all the problems of old age, so that you can dance your dance.
Once again, that Yoruba saying with which I began this article has led some men to think that even when they are irresponsible and absent fathers, their children will always be their children. These irresponsibly shameless ones breed, shake and ceremoniously drop their seeds on unsuspecting women. Then they leave as soon as they are told that the product of their orgasms has turned them into little human beings. They hate the dividends of their orgasms. Those, once they hear that there will be harvest time, all kinds of nauseating phrases come to mind.
“I only slept with you once.”
“Am I the only one you're sleeping with?”
“I'm not ready to be a father”
“You know what your colleagues do when they get pregnant. Or not?
“You lost your period, how”?
One wonders if some men ejaculate their brains along with their semen when they “cum.” Annoying answers and stupid questions.
Sperm donors sometimes get away with their atrocious attitudes. They leave the bewildered pregnant woman to her fate, her baby, as an “afterwards.” Nowadays they call them Baby-Mamas. Then, 25 years later, the girl or boy graduates or is called to the Bar with only their mother by their side and the lousy sperm donor starts to protest.
Oke Oku loku nre
Baba omo l'o l'omo
Where to? Things change. Decades of hard work alone do not leave a woman stranded.
What happens to parents who practice polygamy without the means to finance it? What about those who tell their wives that they cannot commit suicide by paying school fees? “My father didn't send me to school, so they could handle themselves too.”
Have you met those parents? There are not many but they exist. I have had to advise and encourage wives, mothers who end up having the misfortune of marrying them. Men who believe they don't owe their children a good education because their own parents didn't send them to school.
And then, there are the good ol' town champs and city kids who simply focus on the good life while leaving the raising of their children to their mothers. They drive nice cars and wear designer clothes, but they compare their children's school fees to what they paid in the 70s, 80s and 90s. They have a bag full of excuses for why they are not fulfilling their responsibilities.
This is the year of our Lord 2024. Things are not what they used to be. The sober, self-pitying, sad women of yesteryear have given way to strong, assertive, financially independent, and sensible Baby Mamas who make their own rules. Today's children are called GenZ. They can see, feel and decide. They see what their mothers go through so they can go to school and put food on the table. They are children with dry eyes.
'I saw the indignities my mother suffered just to pay the rent and school fees. Our father married a second wife and moved in with her. I don't envy him his need for more than one woman. What I still can't understand and forgive is why he sends his second wife's children to school, to private schools, while my mother has to do everything for us. Why are they punishing us for the failure of their marriage?
That's what a lady told me. He is 19 years old. Women are deep. Young or old. We were created this way. Do you think she will forget the day the landlord called her mother “useless” in front of her? Do you think children who heard their mothers cry themselves to sleep for years will forget it? Do men believe that an invitation card to a wedding or the excitement of graduating in First Class in Architecture will make their children forget their mother's pain? No, things don't work that way anymore.
READ ALSO: Three arrested for beheading couple in Abia
Generation Z kids don't give a damn about Yoruba proverbs when their parents abandon them in search of big butts or rich sugar mummies. It's the same way those who are abandoned by their mothers ignore them later in life.
Dear brother, remain in your children's lives even if you no longer love or live with their mother. Spend holidays, weekends with them. Have parent-child vacations with them. Never forget your birthdays or PTA meetings. Pay regular bills: i.e. school fees and household maintenance. Call them as often as you can. Go to their soccer games, swimming lessons. Talk to your teachers. Invite them to your office. Let them learn your business. Teach them something their mothers can't teach them. Set up a WhatsApp group for you and them.
Talk about makeup with your daughter. Talk about Man-U, Arsenal and Liverpool with your boys. Don't let them replace you, because they can. And they will. Don't think that just because they carry your DNA is all it takes to give you the bragging rights of being a father. No sir. A sperm donor is different from a father. Men who make their wives cry at dawn will shed their share of painful tears at dusk.